Katt Sonja katchamouskie Tails

  • We first met this unusual feline in 1988. There was a squeaking noise on the front porch. There was a tatterdemalion little Kitten. He said, "My name is Gramalkyn and I am very hungry."
  • We fed the little fellow some boiled shrimp. As we were about to leave for a party we heard, "Better watch out. It's gonna rain. Take an umbrella.". "What did you say?", my wife exclaimed. I said nothing at all. There were only three of us in the room. Jane, this small black Katt, and me. Although the sky was clear, Jane decided to take an umbrella.
  • At about 11 PM we returned. It had not rained a drop. "How do you figure it? Gramalkyn said it would rain.", Jane observed. "Just a dumb Katt.", I muttered. Thus began what has turned into an extraordinary relationship with our furry friend.

WHO DUNNIT?????

  • It was exactly 7 AM. I had gone downstairs to get the paper. It was awful. The carnage was everywhere. When I returned to our bedroom Jane must have seen the look of horror on my face. "What on earth is the matter?" she asked. Trying to remain calm I answered, "They are all dead! Victims of some blood thirsty assailant who was not content to just kill but apparently wanted to mutilate as well.".

    Jane quickly slipped on a robe and we made a careful examination of the crime scene. It was truly gruesome. Every throw rug in the house had been brutally attacked. All were in total disarray. We quickly checked our security system. There had been no breach. We wondered how this tragedy could have happened......then....it became clear. It must have been an inside job!

    Rounding up the suspects was quickly accomplished as the only occupants had been George the mynah bird, Gramalkyn our talking cat and, of course Jane and me. Jane and I were quickly absolved. George's cage remained locked and further he had neither the motive nor the ordinance to accomplish the dastardly deed.

    This left only one suspect. When we confronted His Furriness at first he denied everything. The Katnip Konnoisseur claimed he had been sleeping in my computer room all night. There was only one option left.....convene the family court.

    Gramalkyn was offered an attorney but he chose to appear pro se. Before the proceedings began George, the mynah bird, exclaimed, "Hang the $%#tard. I vote guilty!". The bird was informed that he was out of order and told to hush or risk removal from the courtroom. Gramalkyn moved to remove the bird on a peremptory challenge. He further stated that a bird could not remain unbiased in the trial of a Kat. His motion was granted. The evidence was presented.

    Undaunted by the avalanche of incriminating evidence the Katt began his defense proffering the following:

    "They are lucky I am a light sleeper. It was about 2 AM when I heard soft murmurings downstairs. I quickly ran to the head of the stairs to investigate. Apparently all the throw rugs had banded together as they were inexorably making their way up the stairs toward the bedroom.

    I could not discern what nefarious acts they intended, but, non-the-less, it was obvious some type of coup was in the making.

    I suggested to the Oriental rug, who was leading the pack, a negotiated settlement. I received no response. Their accent continued. It was a close call whether to fight or flee. J.J. is no bargain to be sure, but, having never received any Meow Mix from a rug, I attacked.

    It was the toughest battle of my life. For a moment I feared that the Persian had me outflanked. As I gained the upper paw the Oriental demanded an armistice. I refused and pressed my attack with renewed vigor. In the end I achieved complete victory.

    I shudder to think of the grim consequences had I failed. All the while they slept peacefully, oblivious that I was risking one of my nine lives for them. What do I get for my indomitable courage???

    The ungrateful SOB charges me with misbehavior. I emphatically deny the scurrilous allegations and , what's more, I resent the alligator! Further, I sayeth naught and rest my case.".

    The result was a hung jury. What I clearly saw as an exiguous attempt at deception Jane accepted as gospel. She persuaded me not to impose any sanctions on the Whiskered Wonder. She even began to brush the Meowing Miscreant while praising his bravery. We agreed to leave the decision to you.

    How do you vote?
    Hi lite one, then click below.

  • KARD KOUNTING KATT KATASTROPHIE

    This is humiliating. We are reluctant to even report it.
    However, in the interest of full disclosure, we feel obliged to recount the sordid tale.
    Actually, the headline in The Las Vegas Sun told it all.
    "Card Counting Cat declared catus-non-grata at The Mirage."

    J.J., and his talking Katt, Gramalkyn, flew to Las Vegas recently for what they claimed was an important business meeting (Yeah, right!). J.J has, for many years, been an accomplished card counter at 21. This allows him to fleece casinos at will. Two weeks prior to their departure J.J. taught Gramalkyn the system. The Katt's arithmetic is, as cats go, quite good. He caught on quickly.

    As Gramalkyn's pedagogue, J.J. had been adamant. "Don't drink, keep a low profile at the table, and, when pit bosses begin to watch closely, go elsewhere.". So what did "His Furriness" do? He waltzes in with a gorgeous bimbo on each paw (His carnal escapades with Las Vegas show katts are legendary).

    J.J. arrived at the table a few minutes later. He wanted to see if the katt learned his lessons well. At first it appeared they wouldn't let the katt play. One must be 21 to gamble in Nevada. Apparently the katt's logic was compelling when he produced a large bankroll while explaining it was common knowledge that his 8 cat years were equal to 48 human years. The Mirage acquiesced.

    The cards were running good and, after an hour, both were a few thousand ahead. Their apparent luck attracted the attention of two pit bosses. J.J. got up and, as he left the table, surreptitiously nodded to the Katt. Before leaving the table Gramalkyn mooched a "Meal Ticket" (to a gourmet restaurant) from the pit boss. High rollers always get "comps".

    Two hours later the katt (who had eaten much too much) made his first mistake. He returned to the same table. The cards remained friendly and in short order he was up another $2,500.00. Then, the fatal error!

    Near the end of the deck the true count was +8 and the remaining cards were rich in aces. It doesn't get any better than that for a counter. A number of kibitzers had gathered to watch the cat play (card counting katts are somewhat of a rarity). The "Furtive Furball" couldn't resist boasting loudly, "This is almost a cinch!" as he bet $2,000.00. Not surprisingly Gramalkyn was dealt an Ace and a Ten for Blackjack. As the dealer paid off $3,000.00 (Blackjack pays 1.5 to 1) the pit boss appeared. "That's it katt! You're outta here. Cheating (card counting) is not permitted.".

    The Magnificent Meower would have been well advised to quietly go. Never one to leave well enough alone, Gramalkyn began to argue with Guido, the Pit Boss. A "Scene" is the last thing a casino wants. Guido's last words were, "Take your money and those purring pussys and go.... or we throw you all out! I hope you, and your friends enjoyed eating over $500.00 worth of gourmet katt food.".

    It is true that the katt didn't feel so good due to having gorged himself. However, he is no quitter. "You wouldn't dare...". The words were hardly out of his mouth when Mike, a former linebacker for the Bears, seized our friend. The predictable (if you understand cats) happened. The rich food and the anxiety was just too much. Hmmmmmmm.... how can we say this delicately?

    Well....uh....the truth is...the puss regurgitated... on the 21 table, the dealer, and (gasp) Guido.

    It was a heartbreaking sight. Our noble warrior disheveled, apparently beaten, in the gutter of Las Vegas Blvd. The two show katts remained loyal (It figures. He had tons of money). Their, "You poor baby..." (ad nauseam) fell on deaf ears.

    Our hero does not live in the past. He is wise enough to realize that "The moving finger writes, and, having writ, moves on. Nor all your cries or tears can change a single line.....". He simply straightened out his fur, and, acting as if nothing had happened, was heard to whisper, "C'mon girls. Let's have some fun.", whereupon they evanesced into the darkness.

    Well now....there you have it, the entire shameful story.
    If you talk to him, don't mention the above. He's still very sensitive about it.

    Hungry Katt

    A cat walked into an upscale bar in Hollywood.
    "Got any cat food?" he asked the bartender.
    "Nope" responded the man. Next day the cat came back.....
    "Got any cat food?"......"NO! Told ya yesterday. Now scram!".......

    The following evening the cat returned. "Got any cat food?".......
    "See here Katt if you ask one more time for cat food
    I'm gonna nail your paws to the floor!".
    The cat nodded and left.

    Next day he returned. The bartended just glared.
    "Got any nails" queried the cat.
    "No", said the beertender.
    "Well, in that case..... got any cat food?"!


    Gramalkyn's Dictionary

    The perspicatious puss translates common euphemisms into plain language.


    (We suspect plagiarism)

      Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

      Politician, n. One who conducts public affairs for private advantage.

      Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

      Middle Age, n That period in life where we eagerly commit the vices we still cherish while reviling those we no longer have the enterprise to commit.

      Alcoholic One who drinks more than you.

      Apologize, adv. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

      Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those about to be betrayed.

      Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

      A Conservative, n. One who is enamoured with existing evils (some believe the earth is only 5,000 years old) as opposed to a Liberal who wishes to replace them with new evils.

      Cynic, n. One who sees things as they are not as they ought to be.

      Sin, v. Acts Christians preach against..... Puzzling.....they believe Christ died for their sins. Should one make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing any?

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